Relationships come in many forms, yet societal norms often dictate a rigid structure that may not suit everyone. In this episode of The Dr. Virga Podcast, Victoria and Ryan, a military veteran couple who transitioned into entrepreneurship, discussed their journey and their creation of Birds of a Feather Matchmaking, a boutique matchmaking firm specializing in ethical non-monogamous relationships.
This conversation explored their military backgrounds, the evolution of their relationship, and how they help individuals and couples navigate the world of ethical non-monogamy. Whether new to the concept, curious, or looking for resources, this discussion sheds light on the misconceptions, challenges, and benefits of open relationships, polyamory, and the swinging lifestyle.
From Military Life to Matchmaking
Victoria and Ryan’s story began in the military. Victoria, originally from Arizona, joined right after high school, motivated by the GI Bill to fund her education. She served in various locations, including San Diego and Japan. Ryan, on the other hand, took a different route, joining the Marine Corps after three years of college and serving in multiple roles, including as a linguist and part of a Fast Company providing embassy reinforcement.
Their paths crossed in Japan, where their relationship developed. They navigated the complexities of dual military service, long-distance challenges, and transitioning to civilian life, eventually settling in Chicago. During this transition, Victoria pursued her MBA, and Ryan built a successful career in cybersecurity. Their shared passion for relationship dynamics and matchmaking led to the founding of Birds of a Feather Matchmaking.
Understanding Ethical Non-Monogamy
Ethical non-monogamy refers to any consensual relationship structure where individuals engage in romantic or sexual connections outside of a traditional monogamous framework. Unlike cheating, which involves deception, ethical non-monogamy prioritizes honest communication, consent, and mutual understanding.
There are several types of ethical non-monogamous relationships:
Open Relationships: Partners agree to explore romantic or sexual connections separately.
Polyamory: The practice of having multiple loving, committed relationships simultaneously.
Swinging: Primarily focused on sexual experiences with other consenting individuals or couples while maintaining emotional monogamy.
Relationship Anarchy: A non-hierarchical approach to relationships, where each connection is defined individually rather than fitting into traditional categories.
Victoria and Ryan emphasize that ethical non-monogamy is not glorified cheating—a common misconception. Instead, it fosters deep communication, trust, and a conscious approach to love and connection.
Addressing Misconceptions About Non-Monogamy
Victoria and Ryan addressed several stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding non-monogamous relationships:
The assumption that individuals in open relationships are unhappy in their primary relationships is incorrect. Many couples in ethical non-monogamy are deeply satisfied but choose additional relationships for growth, exploration, or lifestyle compatibility.
The notion that swingers and polyamorous individuals are reckless and unsafe is unfounded. Ethical non-monogamous communities emphasize consent, STI testing, and boundaries far more than many traditional dating circles.
The belief that love is finite and that multiple relationships diminish emotional bonds is misleading. Many polyamorous individuals form deep, lasting emotional connections with multiple partners.
Even within the military, non-monogamy exists, though policies technically prohibit it. Many service members keep their relationships private due to outdated regulations and societal pressures.
The Role of Matchmaking in the Non-Monogamous Community
Victoria recognized a gap in the matchmaking industry. While traditional matchmaking firms cater to monogamous individuals, there were no dedicated services for those interested in ethical non-monogamy. This realization led her to become the first certified matchmaker specializing in this area.
Her process includes:
A private dating database for those interested in non-monogamous relationships.
Consultations to understand personal values, preferences, and relationship goals.
Extensive vetting and background checks to ensure safety and compatibility.
Curated matches based on values, intimacy preferences, and lifestyle goals.
Unlike dating apps, Victoria’s approach removes uncertainty and enhances security for those seeking meaningful connections.
Approaching Non-Monogamy with a Partner
For individuals interested in introducing the idea of non-monogamy to a partner, Victoria and Ryan suggest the following approaches:
Start with open-ended conversations to gauge feelings and introduce the idea gradually.
Use role-play or fantasies to ease into deeper discussions.
Educate together by watching documentaries such as Netflix’s Explained: Monogamy or reading books on open relationships.
Establish clear boundaries, expectations, and regular conversations about comfort levels.
Most importantly, they stress that non-monogamy should never be a solution for a struggling relationship. It works best when both partners have a strong foundation of trust and respect.
The Future of Birds of a Feather Matchmaking
Victoria and Ryan envision expanding their services to include:
Specialized matchmaking divisions for LGBTQ+ individuals, BDSM communities, and different non-monogamous structures.
Educational resources and workshops to help couples navigate the lifestyle.
Exclusive social events in cities like New York, Miami, and Los Angeles to connect like-minded individuals.
They also plan to continue breaking down stigmas and providing a safe space for people to explore relationships beyond societal norms.
Take Aways
Whether interested in non-monogamy, already practicing it, or simply curious about different relationship models, this episode provided insight into what it means to love and connect outside of traditional boundaries.
Victoria and Ryan’s work is redefining matchmaking and relationship dynamics, offering a thoughtful and structured approach to helping people find their ideal partners without judgment or shame.
For more information on ethical non-monogamy matchmaking, visit Birds of a Feather Matchmaking or follow Victoria on Instagram at ENM Matchmaker.
What are your thoughts on ethical non-monogamy? Have you encountered misconceptions about it? Share your thoughts in the comments.
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